a magician asks you to pick a card - any card, in fact. you do. they ask you to put the card back in the pack - anywhere in the pack, in fact. you do. they walk away. ten years later, your wife gives birth to the six of clubs. “is this your card?” the midwife asks, in a familiar voice.
*pronounces “hors d’oeuvres” as “horse divorce”*
One of the best out takes from any television show, ever.
“I’m on my way!” I say as I remain naked in bed
I never fucking said that
God, Buddha, Gandhi, The Dali Llama, Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Oscar Wilde, Sylvia Plath and everyone else probably (via thebatty)
Leonardo DiCaprio and Leonardo Da Vinci are different people, you idiot!
It’s 11:30 pm and I need raw cookie dough like I need air in my lungs.
I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna drive to Wal-Mart at midnight in my pajamas and buy a roll of cookie dough because I’m an adult with my own money who gets to make his own decisions.
I am so, so proud of you.
Wtf you guys can buy cookie dough in a packet?!
I scrolled past this at first and then I thought about it and I realized what it means
what does it mean?
It means do you need someone for the sake of not feeling alone and or sad or do you want me because you actually love me, not solely on comfort and fear but you actually want me.
Thank you ^^^^
Cut the poison out of your life. No matter what - or whom - it may be.
Jeigo - It’s going to hurt before it gets better (via jeigo)
A. Would like to apologize for melodramatic personal posts. I just feel like I’m so good at them…
B. Would love all of you to tell me your life stories, or anything. I just want to know you better.
C. Would like to also tell you I love you all and thanks for following me even though sometimes I am dramatic and sometimes I disappear.
mom? yeah hey its me. i just called to—what? yeah i’m doing fine thanks. listen i was playing call of duty and this kid said some really shocking things about you and i just had to confirm that they weren’t true