verylittlebird:

a magician asks you to pick a card - any card, in fact. you do. they ask you to put the card back in the pack - anywhere in the pack, in fact. you do. they walk away. ten years later, your wife gives birth to the six of clubs. “is this your card?” the midwife asks, in a familiar voice.

lifeonthebuttscene:

vaspim:

3 AM and your phone buzzes. you get a text. it reads, “i messed up. i cut.” you let out a heavy sigh and look outside your window to see another tree gone. when will your friend give up his lumberjack ways

i was not expecting this

I never fucking said that

God, Buddha, Gandhi, The Dali Llama, Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Oscar Wilde, Sylvia Plath and everyone else probably (via thebatty)

itisanobsession:

esotericbeefarmer:

polyturtles:

polyturtles:

polyturtles:

It’s 11:30 pm and I need raw cookie dough like I need air in my lungs.

I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna drive to Wal-Mart at midnight in my pajamas and buy a roll of cookie dough because I’m an adult with my own money who gets to make his own decisions.

image

Yes.

image

Hell yes.

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Hell.

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Fucking.

image

Yes.

I am so, so proud of you.

Wtf you guys can buy cookie dough in a packet?!